Chapter One: A Family Tradition Of Sex
As you'll see, this book isn't about the birds and the bees, that is, it's not about how babies are made, although that's mentioned briefly. It's about orgasms, mainly. How to have them, and how to make them great, for both you and your husband.
I'm Grandma Anne. That's a pseudonym I go by in this book. I am a grandmother, but just barely. The foundation of this book is based on the sex advice I got from my Grandmother "Flora", who is still alive at the age of 102! It's been our tradition to pass down sex advice from grandmother to granddaughter (or granddaughter-in-law) for at least eight generations. My Grandma got it from her Grandma, and she thinks it began well before that, but she's not sure just how far back it goes.
I didn't know anything about this tradition until I got engaged to be married and became a recipient of "the advice". And I never thought about having to pass it on until I had my first child and my Mom pointed out that it would be her responsibility to pass on the family sex advice to my newborn daughter when she got engaged. I would have to wait until I had grandchildren who got engaged before I could pass it on.
That got me started thinking about the responsibility I'd have someday. And I didn't like it. Actually, I was terrified. It was one thing to listen to my Grandma and repeat "Uh-huh" a million times, but it was quite another to think I would someday open my mouth and talk, out-loud, about sex. To another person. To my own granddaughter!
I honestly didn't think I could do it, but I was equally upset at the thought of breaking a multi-generation tradition. And the truth was that Grandma's advice had helped me immensely, and I certainly didn't want to deny that knowledge and understanding to my heirs. Not too long ago, this came to the forefront of my thinking when my oldest daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
Then I found out I have cancer. Nasty, life-threatening cancer. However, I discovered there's actually a side-effect to cancer that can be beneficial: soul-searching. And among many reasons I didn't want to die, the one that rose to the top of the list, was that I decided I very much wanted to pass Grandma's sex advice on to my granddaughter.
Of course, I got the idea of writing it down, so I could pass it on that way, since I wasn't expected to live more than another year or so. I had no idea how much I could get written before my time was up, but with my family gathered around and taking care of everything else, I could spend most of my remaining time working on it. I used a laptop computer, which I could use in bed… in my recliner… at the table… even in the doctors' waiting rooms when someone else carried it for me.
I kept secret what I was working on, thinking I'd figure out a way so that only my grandchildren would see what I was writing. But everyone knew that I was working on something, and everyone's curiosity was getting stronger and stronger. Still, they were a little reluctant to harass an old, sick, dying person to get me to reveal the nature of my secret project.
That started to change after a chemo-session one day, after most of the vomiting was over, and I was too exhausted to lift a hand. As usual, my mind recovered before my body, and I got very frustrated about not being able to work on my project, since time was of the essence. It was Caroline's turn to sit with me, and she perceived that frustration, and asked questions about how she could help. I broke down and cried, and ended up telling her the whole story.
Caroline offered to take dictation, and to my surprise, I took her up on it. Caroline was extremely patient during those times. Sometimes I might lie there and think for five, 10, even 15 minutes without saying anything, and then only get out a single thought or maybe two, but she never complained. During my bad times, she waited, listened, and typed for me. But during some of the better times, she started offering her own remembrances from when she heard Grandma's advice and she offered her own suggestions, which were usually very good.
As I endorsed her suggestions, she made more and more, covering everything from the organizational structure of the content to grammatical improvements. Then once day, Caroline suggested a very explicit sex tip of her own. I was wowed by it, and into the manuscript it went.
I spent days thinking about that one tip, and how it could make a difference in the lives of my grandchildren, and even their grandchildren. And I never would have thought of it. One day I told Caroline how much I appreciated that, and how I had been thinking about how it could benefit countless descendants, and after awhile, she posed another suggestion: What about asking the other women in our family for ideas?
As little as a week before, I would have hated the idea, but seeing a real possibility of leaving a powerful legacy for many generations, while facing my own mortality on a daily basis, my perspective was starting to change.
Caroline told Elizabeth about my secret, and at first she was averse to participating because of the topic, but Caroline convinced her to read what I had so far. Once Elizabeth saw that, she got excited about it, and had numerous writing suggestions, and more than a few sex tips.
The three of us started working on it together and realized that we had each heard and remembered different advice, despite having the same grandmother. This wasn't surprising in light of the fact that it had never been written down, and was usually told to different people years apart.
Working together gave a more complete recollection, and let us evaluate it based on experiences from marriages to men with a variety of personalities.
Then Grandma Flora came to visit.
Gathered around my bed we told Grandma Flora what we had been doing. We were a little worried that she might object to the idea, and then we'd be in a real quandary as to what to do. We were real excited about what appeared to be growing into a wonderful book, but we wouldn't have wanted to pursue it over her objections since it never could have happened without her original contributions. Well, she loved the idea, and that really started something!
Grandma spent the better part of a week with us going over everything she could remember, everything she learned on her own, and bringing in other women in our family, including descendants of her sisters, significantly increasing the number of people who had very valuable contributions. And that included Rachael.
Rachael had lots of contributions, derived from a seemingly limitless imagination, and it was she who suggested the idea Grandma's Sex Fantasy Cookbook. Before you get shocked by our Cookbook, though, please read the chapter Fantasy vs. Lust beginning on page 95.
Bringing in more women from our extended family also opened up our knowledge to issues with a wider variety of men. For instance, I never would have thought about how to have a sex life with a man with erectile dysfunction, or how to have sex with a man whose penis had been torn off by bomb shrapnel in a war.
Grandma Flora knew things about family members that neither Caroline, Elizabeth, nor I knew, such as the fact that before they became Christians, one of our relatives had been a professional prostitute, and another had been a lesbian. Most of the ladies in our extended family had many suggestions and tips, so many that we had to reorganize parts of the book to fit them all in, and the Fantasy Cookbook really did take on a collection-of-favorite-recipes feeling.
I had begun with the idea of using a one-at-a-time print-on-demand publisher, so that family members would pay for each copy and they would be printed as they were needed. But after Grandma Flora got involved, she suggested that we write it for the general public, as the information is appropriate for any Christian couple, not just our family. Especially considering how easy it is for teens to get access to online porn when they may not have a mature perspective in which to integrate it. The decision to write it for everyone necessitated more changes, including changing all the names to pseudonyms.
There are a number of reasons why we decided to use pseudonyms. The first is that there might be people who would actually hunt down and murder Grandma "Lily" if they knew who she was, just because she converted from Islam to Christianity. If people could figure out who any one of us is, they would be able to figure out who she is. That reason would be enough by itself, but for most of us, we'd be embarrassed for the public to know about our sex lives.
We'd be embarrassed, but not ashamed, and not humiliated. Shame is what people should feel when they do something they know is wrong, and humiliation is what people should feel when they've done something wrong and other people find out about it.
For most people, what is proper and improper regarding sex is an important issue, and we talk a lot about that in this book. But God created us male and female, and it was He who decided to make us capable of having orgasms, and we do not apologize for that. We believe it is a gift from God, and what a gift! So let's set the tone for the explicit nature of the rest of this book with this tribute:
Thank God for orgasms!